Teachers' Lunch

(Written with the permission of the teachers. As remembered)

Scene: Friday lunch in Mr. B’s room. Mr. B is sitting behind his desk, casually chatting with a student who is trying to get recovery work on the last day of the semester. Ms. W comes dashing in.

Me (Ms. W): EWWWEEWeeewwwww! Do you have hand sanitizer?

B: No.

W dashes out. Then returns sedately with lunch in hand a few minutes later and sits on a student desk to eat. Mr. S comes in.

S: Do you have hand sanitizer? W and B shake their heads no. S leaves.

Mr. B: to student --so what I hear you saying is that you want makeup work so you can recover the 23 days you missed of class, but you waited until the last day of the semester to ask for it.

W snorts into her sandwich.

Student: No, well, yeah, but look, can you give me some work to make up?

B: I’m looking at your attendance records, and it says here you missed my class 24 days, and math only 14. So that tells me you were skipping my class. You like me less than your math teacher?

Student starts blustering. Mr. S returns and joins W in lunch, sitting properly in the seat and spreading out his lunch foods across the desk. His sweater exudes teacherhood. Probably his students think he’s a sexy fox for pulling off that sweater.

W: I just touched a half-smoked blunt. I mean, there was a joint on the floor of my room and I had to pick it up and throw it away. It must’ve fallen out of a kid’s pocket. Am I supposed to report that or something? I don’t know whose it was. S shrugs.

B to student: And you only missed gym and conditioning a combined 6 times! So what happened that you went to those classes and not mine?

Students shifts uneasily. W whispers to S: do you think we should leave? S shrugs.

B: Unless you had TEN doctor’s appointments all during my class. Is that it? Is that what I missed?

Student: Yeah, see, doctor’s appointments. I sprained my leg. Yeah, I broke my leg. I broke a bone in my leg. That’s it, there was a bone in my leg that was sticking out. So that’s why I missed.

B: So you broke your leg and attended gym but not history?

Student: Well, yeah, see, I had to do the physical conditioning. Yeah, the physical therapy. That was gym.

B: And the mental exercise was just too much for you?

W exits trailer to heave with laughter outside in the rain. Waits until student exits and she can congratulate him on his bullshitting before ducking back inside. Ms. R joins from across the way with her lunch. B is telling S (a Spanish teacher) that his kids taught him some Spanish today. He tries it out on us and then quizzes S on Spanish words.

S: Can I teach you something dirty?

W: Yeah!

B: That sounded really… dirty.

R: I’d never have expected it of you. I mean, look at your sweater.

S: I teach my kids dirty words.

W: One of my kids was running toward the board for our review game and his pants fell down.

R: Anybody want the candy I bought for my kids? They don't deserve it yet.

Bell. Scene.

P.S. These people are the reason I’m still here to tell these stories.