All Up In My Feelings

Today was my second-to-last day of teaching at my school in Charlotte. I cried three times. I laughed more than that. The tears were surreptitious and never made it past my eyelashes. The laughter spilled over to fill the crevices of the day with elation.

I cried at this private confession:

“It was a tough year. It will be my mother’s fourth surgery for this week tomorrow. I’m scared. I’m worried.” And then, in a small voice, “I’m sorry I was disrespectful yesterday. I know you noticed even if you pretended you didn’t.”

And this off-the-hand remark:

“And after I graduate, I’m going to visit my father. He was deported ten years ago.”

“Have you seen him since?”

“No.”

And at the sight of a student resolutely taking out a novel to hide her face as the tears dripped down, who told me about her worries from home during lunch.

But I also laughed. I laughed in pure merriment, and appreciation, and pride…

When J played a game of keep-away from me with the stapler.

When A turned in the packet of work I’d given her to complete while on maternity leave.

When C delivered a stellar presentation on his final project after resolutely refusing to speak all semester.

When N told me she’s identified the parenting style in The Lion King as authoritarian rather than authoritative.

When M read me the charming opening paragraph he wrote for his college application essay.

When two students who came to my planning for English tutoring lay on the desks muddling over Shakespeare’s sonnets together.

When an old student of mine from last year told me that I made him realize he wanted to go to college, and could even without documentation. He’d have got there anyway, on his own, I think.

While giving a student an empty cardboard roll from the laminating machine, and using the other to challenge him to a fencing match. I laughed when I won, too.

I laughed hard, and tried to hide it, when one of my funniest students ran for president of the NHS today, starting his speech with, “Hello. If Barack Obama were here today, he would ask you what he can do to serve you. Since he isn’t, I’m going to ask you what I can do to serve you. That will be my goal as president.”

I laughed while knighting him with the cardboard roll after the elections, and when hugging the old members goodbye.

I spent today all up in my feelings. Tomorrow is the last day before exams. I will dig my heels into it and drink up every second.